Updated: May 19, 2021
Do you have whispers that scurry through your brain? Do the ones that seem the craziest also sound the most fun? Notice them. Embrace them. Speak them. They have the power to transform everything. I encourage you to give in to them with love and joy.
I finally did.
That is the reason you are reading this now.
One day, about a month ago, is my first clear memory of when the idea popped up. It may have been there a lot longer. Perhaps it has always been there and was just waiting for me to be ready.
"You have been writing a lot more lately. That's great! What if you turn it into a book?"
I listened and let the thought slip through, laughing to myself. "Me? A book? HA!"
I have always loved poetry, reading, and writing. Song lyrics can make or break new music for me. Improvised bursts of singing spew out of me like I am the real star of The Exorcist, but with words and a melody instead of the whole soup thing. (You're welcome.) There were few doubts in my mind about the creative side of me, but in the past, I often found myself stuck in between spurts of writing that really said what I wanted it to.
I didn't trust my vision.
That friendly little nudge pressed again. "You have been writing a lot more lately. What if you make a book?"
I honored the thought with an internal nod and replied, "I hear you. Now is not the right time."
I didn't trust my value.
I registered my youngest for kindergarten.
"H is going to school next year. So, how about that book?"
"I am a music teacher. I have children. I am going to substitute teach until a position opens up."
I didn't trust my voice.
On February 13th, I met with my cousin, Amelia, on her way moving back to Denver from university in Montreal. During our walk downtown, she asked what I wanted to do when H went to school next fall. My initial reply was a recitation of the story I had been telling myself. She kept asking questions, allowing my mind and words to wander out of, "I should..." into "What if?"
I didn't speak the idea out loud for at least two weeks after I first remember it visiting. The whispers continued until I finally let go. I stopped telling myself what I needed to do and started asking myself what I wanted to do. That moment is when I finally noticed and embraced what my heart was really saying after all that time. It is when my "should" began to transform.
On February 22nd, I had a virtual visit with my therapist. During that session, I had a vision of myself as water in a pipe pushing against a huge blockage. The pressure kept mounting as we worked with what I saw. Nothing moved. The water turned back to find any other way out. Nothing changed. I heard myself speak what I knew, deep down, to be true.
"I would rather move what is blocking my pipe than stay stuck."
As soon as I spoke it, the pipe cleared and the rushing water became a river of golden light.
On February 23rd, I wrote this poem:
I would rather feel than think,
To trace fresh lines with feelings’ ink.
I would rather flow than fast,
For in the flow new things can last.
I would rather tree than vine,
Be on the rise instead of climb.
I would rather push than pull,
To yield when I outgrow my hull.
I would rather flower than bee
And draw the buzzy things to me.
I would rather bench than chair,
So all my friends could join me there.
On February 27th, I met my friend, Michelle, at the park. We caught up while our kids played. She asked me what was new. My answer shocked me. "I think I want to collect my poetry into a book."
This was not in the script! However, as those words slowly settled, a deep calm filled my entire body.
I started to glow.
I came home that night and told my husband, Evan, what I was thinking. He had a lot of helpful ideas about publishing, including a blog to share my work in a dedicated space. It was then that I realized, save for Michelle, I had never spoken the book idea out loud to anyone.
Every Sunday, I turn over a new affirmation card. It is a ritual I have fallen in love with. I then meditate with those words on my yoga mat over the following week and explore what they bring up. There are many weeks that I don't really understand what the card means for me until I reach the next Sunday. Sometimes, I store the words away at the end of the week in a velvet-lined trunk, trusting that though they don't fit yet, they will when I am ready.
On February 28th, the card waiting in the box at the top of my affirmation deck said this:
"I rejoice in my creative energy. Fun, uplifting ideas flow through my consciousness, and I follow through on the ideas received, bringing them into full manifestation."
I stared in near disbelief as I hugged myself.
I started to glow.
Thank you for joining me. I am so glad you're here!